Welcome To My Blog!
It's Been A While
Let me say thank you for coming to check out my new blog. Some of you may remember the days of Butch Ramblings and wondered what happened to me? My rambling days are over and I've claimed a place as home. The last year and a half have been very strange indeed, but I'm happy to say that I've come to know myself better along the way. It would seem that my journey has very much been one of spiritual learning and soulful healing. I do not feel that I am even remotely the same person that I was even just five short years ago. Let's catch up, shall we?
First of all, I spent the LAST presidential election cycle in Florida. I'd just finished publishing my first five books and things were very tough. Financially, I sacrificed EVERYTHING in order to spend my time blogging and writing full-time. I went days with nothing to eat sometimes. I spent most of that summer in horrible heat with no power because I couldn't afford to keep it on and my life was a mess, even though I was trying to get my feet. I was truly at a place in life where it felt like the harder I tried to make my own dreams come true, the more sacrifices the universe asked me to make.
There were nights that I would lay with tears running down my cheeks and wonder if my life would end this way. I would imagine that people would find me, with my dog, just slowing having faded away without a single person even realizing what was going on. Even the person I was dating didn't have a clue because she was so caught up in her own world of money and the problems that go with that, that she had no time to really pay attention to my life. She complained about how she had to live on $40k a year while I was struggling on $500 a month and living in a camper. The irony never did escape me. I eventually had all I could stomach of her and that was that. Suddenly there was no reason to be in Florida anymore. God knows I really dislike that state.
Now I find myself in Texas, the Lone Star state. Perfect state for a loner I guess? Truth is that I came to Texas because my best friend, Amber begged me to come down here. It IS warmer. She told me I wouldn't have to worry about freezing to death ever again. That's right, I said AGAIN.
All in all, my stay here has been pretty good and I've come to really enjoy my life again. If only I wasn't plagued by constant health issues. . . .
Last week I was released after spending nearly an entire week in the hospital. I had an abscess that came up almost over night. In two days time it had grown to the size of 4 inches wide, 5 inches long and was raised up almost an inch. I went to the ER because I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and nauseated and in a great deal of pain. Hannah, my beagle, was up my butt because she knew I was ill and she always gets clingy and alerts to my high blood sugar.
Prior to the hospital visit, I'd been going to the gym 4-5 days per week, lifting weights and had lost over 50 pounds since February of this year. Since my hospital stay, I haven't really been to the gym at all because I have an open hole in the back of my head with a gauze wick sticking out of it and wrapped out of sight. I am fearful of sweating a lot and having it show or the wick falling out, because it already has done that once.
I am now a completely insulin dependent diabetic and my pancreas is a dead organ. It is a strange looking organ, connected to my small intestines and it is now a free loader. It's a no good, do nothing, son of a bitch. I poke my finger before every meal now and before bed because of that lazy little fucker.
I should probably apologize to my pancreas, truth be told. I was a bad kid. I ate a lot of chocolate bars and drank too many cans of Pepsi back in those days. I never touch that stuff anymore, but it doesn't matter. My pancreas held it all against me. All of those years of being a bad younger person is now punishing me as an adult, middle-aged woman. Parents, please teach your children good eating habits and don't let them exist on crap. Don't let them sit around and do nothing either. Kids need to eat right because those habits will follow them into adulthood and they stand a much better chance of remaining healthy, rather than becoming diabetic in their adult lives.
Since my hospital stay, I've lost another 3 pounds and I imagine that has been from watching my diet closely and taking insulin, which is resetting my body chemistry. I am hungry less and I am rarely thirsty. I also never get up in the middle of the night to pee anymore. Let me tell you a few hints about your body.....if you pee in the middle of the night or urinate frequently all day long, your body is trying to tell you something. It's a symptom. Guys, if you can't get an erection, you shouldn't be concerned about little blue pills, you should be worried about the circulation issues that are the root problem, which ultimately will be the cause of your heart attack.
Statistics prove that your odds of surviving a heart attack are very low, even in today's world of high tech toys, gadgets and surgeries. Why is that? Because you must have PROMPT treatment and attention. The heart muscle dies very quickly and if you aren't treated within minutes, you're going to die. The odds of coming back 100% from a massive heart attack (cardiac event) is actually quite small and there is even a chance that if they use paddles on you and bring you back, you could be a vegetable. Have I motivated you to do something NOW rather than later? I hope so.
Am I angry about my diagnosis? Yes. Deeply. I am angry with myself for being in denial for the first few years of being diagnosed. I'm angry with myself for not trying harder or earning enough money to take care of myself better. I'm angry at the system that told me that they couldn't help me with treatment until I became full blown. I'm slightly resentful, yet thankful and humbled, for all of the help I'm getting now, even though it feels a little like being back handed before being handed your meds.
Now, let me tell you the honest truth about how I feel right NOW, TODAY. I'm thankful. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful for being diagnosed with diabetes. That's right. I said I am THANKFUL for getting diabetes. You are probably wondering how in the hell I can be thankful for something so life changing and so difficult to manage, right?
This disease makes me pay attention to things I never paid attention to before. I pay attention to the people who are good and kind in my life. I pay attention to how my body feels now and I'm not afraid to love myself or show myself the same compassion that I give to others. In fact, it's only through the suffering and the hard times that I've had in this life that I have the ability to be kind and compassionate to others who face their own challenges and horrible set backs in this life.
Through my challenges, I'm approached by others who reach out and tell me that I've inspired them, helped them through their challenges by writing about my own, and somehow managed to give them perspective and a direction in which to turn. I'm always amazed when someone tells me this. A wonderful person approached me this evening and helped me financially with a chunk of money and thanks to her, I can get gas for the week in my truck and I can eat and even pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. She told me that she had found my writing a long time ago, read all of my books and that I had helped her leave an abusive relationship. I, of course, didn't realize that I had helped her like this. It's just an example of how we all can touch each other in a positive way.
I'm humbled and amazed by this life and I do not think I'd be paying such attention if I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes. I'm not sure if I would treasure the hugs I get from little Aubrey when I go visit Amber. I'm not sure if I'd enjoy the smell of the air quite as much after a good, hard rain. I delight in the little things and I don't complain very often about the pain in my feet or the times when I feel like life uses me as a door mat. I'm human. Trust me when I say that I get down and I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have family that I'm close to or people who were there to come see me in the hospital. This last stay was 4 days. Just like the one in Ft Myers, FL and neither time did I receive so much as a phone call from anyone. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. Then something amazing happens. I get a call from James, who I only know from Facebook, and he leaves me the most beautiful message that left me smiling and teary-eyed. I get a message from Jodie, concerned about me and my dog and that they are sending money to help. I get a message from Heather, who tells me about the inspiration that I've been to her and that I saved her life without even knowing it. My friend Jackie checks in on me constantly and Monica in Montana constantly touches base to make sure that I'm still alive and putting up the fight I've become known for.
Someone I know as a Wolf reaches out to me several times per week and gives me inspiration in his own life challenges now. I've come to understand, as I believe he does, that pain is just another exquisite way to experience life and when you embrace it for what it is, it isn't so bad. Pain, just like life, is a mental challenge. When you learn to roll with it and stop fighting it, it doesn't hurt quite so bad.
There you have it. I'm grateful for the diabetes that has prompted me to lose weight, get in shape, enjoy my life more and value the people in my life. I may not get everything that I want and I may not always have people next to my bedside but I do believe that I have people with me at all times. My angels watch over me and I have a great deal to be thankful for. I don't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me. There are things in my life that aren't perfect and I take my share of responsibility for those things. There are also a lot of things in my life that are amazing, including a lot of people. For that....I cannot be more thankful.
***Please, bookmark my blog and stay tuned for updates on my queer agenda!***
There were nights that I would lay with tears running down my cheeks and wonder if my life would end this way. I would imagine that people would find me, with my dog, just slowing having faded away without a single person even realizing what was going on. Even the person I was dating didn't have a clue because she was so caught up in her own world of money and the problems that go with that, that she had no time to really pay attention to my life. She complained about how she had to live on $40k a year while I was struggling on $500 a month and living in a camper. The irony never did escape me. I eventually had all I could stomach of her and that was that. Suddenly there was no reason to be in Florida anymore. God knows I really dislike that state.
Now I find myself in Texas, the Lone Star state. Perfect state for a loner I guess? Truth is that I came to Texas because my best friend, Amber begged me to come down here. It IS warmer. She told me I wouldn't have to worry about freezing to death ever again. That's right, I said AGAIN.
All in all, my stay here has been pretty good and I've come to really enjoy my life again. If only I wasn't plagued by constant health issues. . . .
Last week I was released after spending nearly an entire week in the hospital. I had an abscess that came up almost over night. In two days time it had grown to the size of 4 inches wide, 5 inches long and was raised up almost an inch. I went to the ER because I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and nauseated and in a great deal of pain. Hannah, my beagle, was up my butt because she knew I was ill and she always gets clingy and alerts to my high blood sugar.
Prior to the hospital visit, I'd been going to the gym 4-5 days per week, lifting weights and had lost over 50 pounds since February of this year. Since my hospital stay, I haven't really been to the gym at all because I have an open hole in the back of my head with a gauze wick sticking out of it and wrapped out of sight. I am fearful of sweating a lot and having it show or the wick falling out, because it already has done that once.
I am now a completely insulin dependent diabetic and my pancreas is a dead organ. It is a strange looking organ, connected to my small intestines and it is now a free loader. It's a no good, do nothing, son of a bitch. I poke my finger before every meal now and before bed because of that lazy little fucker.
I should probably apologize to my pancreas, truth be told. I was a bad kid. I ate a lot of chocolate bars and drank too many cans of Pepsi back in those days. I never touch that stuff anymore, but it doesn't matter. My pancreas held it all against me. All of those years of being a bad younger person is now punishing me as an adult, middle-aged woman. Parents, please teach your children good eating habits and don't let them exist on crap. Don't let them sit around and do nothing either. Kids need to eat right because those habits will follow them into adulthood and they stand a much better chance of remaining healthy, rather than becoming diabetic in their adult lives.
Since my hospital stay, I've lost another 3 pounds and I imagine that has been from watching my diet closely and taking insulin, which is resetting my body chemistry. I am hungry less and I am rarely thirsty. I also never get up in the middle of the night to pee anymore. Let me tell you a few hints about your body.....if you pee in the middle of the night or urinate frequently all day long, your body is trying to tell you something. It's a symptom. Guys, if you can't get an erection, you shouldn't be concerned about little blue pills, you should be worried about the circulation issues that are the root problem, which ultimately will be the cause of your heart attack.
Statistics prove that your odds of surviving a heart attack are very low, even in today's world of high tech toys, gadgets and surgeries. Why is that? Because you must have PROMPT treatment and attention. The heart muscle dies very quickly and if you aren't treated within minutes, you're going to die. The odds of coming back 100% from a massive heart attack (cardiac event) is actually quite small and there is even a chance that if they use paddles on you and bring you back, you could be a vegetable. Have I motivated you to do something NOW rather than later? I hope so.
Am I angry about my diagnosis? Yes. Deeply. I am angry with myself for being in denial for the first few years of being diagnosed. I'm angry with myself for not trying harder or earning enough money to take care of myself better. I'm angry at the system that told me that they couldn't help me with treatment until I became full blown. I'm slightly resentful, yet thankful and humbled, for all of the help I'm getting now, even though it feels a little like being back handed before being handed your meds.
Now, let me tell you the honest truth about how I feel right NOW, TODAY. I'm thankful. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful for being diagnosed with diabetes. That's right. I said I am THANKFUL for getting diabetes. You are probably wondering how in the hell I can be thankful for something so life changing and so difficult to manage, right?
This disease makes me pay attention to things I never paid attention to before. I pay attention to the people who are good and kind in my life. I pay attention to how my body feels now and I'm not afraid to love myself or show myself the same compassion that I give to others. In fact, it's only through the suffering and the hard times that I've had in this life that I have the ability to be kind and compassionate to others who face their own challenges and horrible set backs in this life.
Through my challenges, I'm approached by others who reach out and tell me that I've inspired them, helped them through their challenges by writing about my own, and somehow managed to give them perspective and a direction in which to turn. I'm always amazed when someone tells me this. A wonderful person approached me this evening and helped me financially with a chunk of money and thanks to her, I can get gas for the week in my truck and I can eat and even pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. She told me that she had found my writing a long time ago, read all of my books and that I had helped her leave an abusive relationship. I, of course, didn't realize that I had helped her like this. It's just an example of how we all can touch each other in a positive way.
I'm humbled and amazed by this life and I do not think I'd be paying such attention if I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes. I'm not sure if I would treasure the hugs I get from little Aubrey when I go visit Amber. I'm not sure if I'd enjoy the smell of the air quite as much after a good, hard rain. I delight in the little things and I don't complain very often about the pain in my feet or the times when I feel like life uses me as a door mat. I'm human. Trust me when I say that I get down and I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have family that I'm close to or people who were there to come see me in the hospital. This last stay was 4 days. Just like the one in Ft Myers, FL and neither time did I receive so much as a phone call from anyone. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. Then something amazing happens. I get a call from James, who I only know from Facebook, and he leaves me the most beautiful message that left me smiling and teary-eyed. I get a message from Jodie, concerned about me and my dog and that they are sending money to help. I get a message from Heather, who tells me about the inspiration that I've been to her and that I saved her life without even knowing it. My friend Jackie checks in on me constantly and Monica in Montana constantly touches base to make sure that I'm still alive and putting up the fight I've become known for.
Someone I know as a Wolf reaches out to me several times per week and gives me inspiration in his own life challenges now. I've come to understand, as I believe he does, that pain is just another exquisite way to experience life and when you embrace it for what it is, it isn't so bad. Pain, just like life, is a mental challenge. When you learn to roll with it and stop fighting it, it doesn't hurt quite so bad.
There you have it. I'm grateful for the diabetes that has prompted me to lose weight, get in shape, enjoy my life more and value the people in my life. I may not get everything that I want and I may not always have people next to my bedside but I do believe that I have people with me at all times. My angels watch over me and I have a great deal to be thankful for. I don't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me. There are things in my life that aren't perfect and I take my share of responsibility for those things. There are also a lot of things in my life that are amazing, including a lot of people. For that....I cannot be more thankful.
***Please, bookmark my blog and stay tuned for updates on my queer agenda!***
No comments:
Post a Comment