the Difference Between MY Agenda and YOUR Agenda

Your Answers

I could summarize this answer in one word - nothing. I can be more blunt and say, "Not a damned thing." I don't want to die as a victim of a gunman. I want to love who I love and feel free to have a job that I like where I can't be fired because of who I sleep with! I want to earn enough to pay my bills and live in a decent place because I can't be thrown out for my sexuality. 

The vast majority of gay people around the world, now more than ever, are only trying to get through each day. We have joys, we have sadness. We have grief.....more than our fair share of grief. We know what it means to hold our heads high and put on a brave face, even when we are terrified on the inside. 

I know what it is like to have a haircut that immediately is perceived as male. One day, 7 years ago, I decided that the long hair wasn't me. I hated it. Each time I looked in the mirror, the person who looked back at me wasn't anyone that I could feel good about because she was hiding a huge part of herself. I didn't want to do it anymore. I went and got a pair of clippers and I buzzed my hair all off. I did it at home because it took me another 3-4 years to have the courage to walk into a barber shop and ask them to cut my hair. I was so afraid of the discrimination I could face. I had heard friends of mine who had been tossed out of barber shops. I walked by his door several times before I finally went in. He told me he has seen me walking by and wondered if I'd ever come in. He was nice. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Not every barber shop will cut your hair when you are female and perceived as "one of THOSE lesbians." I just wanted to be able to wear my hair the way I wanted. End of story. I bet that most of you take that for granted don't you? If you are straight, I bet you've never been told that they wouldn't cut your hair the way you wanted. I've been told several times and no matter how I tell them I want it on the sides, females will have to be told constantly, "shorter" and it makes me crazy. I have shown them pictures of what I want and they STILL can't bring themselves to do it. Why?? It's just hair for crise sake! I like it that way and I'm paying for it. Cut my freaking hair the way I want. Put that on my agenda! 

Most of you probably take it for granted that when you rent an apartment, that you can have whoever over to visit you that you want. I even imagine that you would expect to date whomever you choose and be free to have them spend the night. I, on the other hand, know what it is like to have someone spend the night and then experience the landlord sneaking around the property the next day to see if he could confirm his suspicions and then serve me with an eviction notice for "having lifestyle choices he didn't agree with and surely didn't want happening on HIS property." So I moved. I moved three other times for the exact same reason. I know what it is like to eventually have your girlfriend keep her stuff in a separate bedroom just so that you have a cover story when repairs needed to be made and a landlord entered the property. 

I have actually been told to my face that if I would make an "effort to wear some make-up and grow my hair a little longer" that I would be more likely to get promoted. I worked twice as hard as any man in my position and I could do their job AND mine. I still got passed over. My evaluations would say things like "needs to come in on day off more often and show more dedication" while my general manager was taking extra days off to go fishing. As a manager of a restaurant, I put in 62 hours each week on a short week. Some weeks could see me there as much as 100 hours. My time off became very priceless to me. I needed it. I wasn't giving that up when I should have to! I never got promoted but watched other male peers who were hired after me, knew less than me, get promoted before me. I finally walked away from management for this very reason. I wanted to be seen for who I was, based on the job that I could do. Isn't that on everyone's agenda? Write that shit down!

You see...I'm worse that just a woman in a man's world. I'm a woman who often passes for a man and outworks a man. I'm a threat because I'm a woman who doesn't back down and I am told that I'm aggressive when I know that if I were a man saying and doing the exact same things, I'd just be considered "driven and ambitious." I no longer have any desire to compete in the workplace. I'll come in and get paid hourly. I just want to earn enough money to exist and while I'd like a little upward mobility, it is definitely NOT worth sacrificing who I am or having to kiss ass for it. That's definitely on my queer agenda. Write that shit down. "Will NOT kiss ass." Make sure you spell it right. 

This past week, my community of GLBTQ Americans have been all over the news. Pulse night club in Orlando was attacked by an armed gunman. 49 people are dead and the last I heard, 53 were hospitalized with injuries. My community has been flung into the spotlight again. Targeted by hate and everyone around us arguing this is an ISIS act of terrorism, not a hate crime. I would like to be seen as an American first and foremost. Being gay is a small part of the bigger picture and I am baffled by this entire argument going on right now. What does it matter? The copycat crimes are already starting. Just this morning a church in Dallas, Texas was delayed for services because of a piece of suspicious luggage that could have been a bomb. My people are used to being targets but this shit is getting ridiculous. Keep arguing that it isn't fueled by hate. It's your lie, believe it if you want to. I'm not taking anymore bullshit. Write it down...."take. no. more. bullshit."

What we aren't used to is the outpouring of love and support from so many people! It's nice to see that there is hope and there are many people out there who DO care and are watching with eyes wide open now. I won't chastise you about coming to fight a little late. I'm just glad you're here now. Thank you to every ally we have right now. I don't care how long it took you to wake up from your slumber, I want to thank you for boarding the right train and getting on over to the right side of history. I'm thankful. Add that to my queer agenda. Be thankful and be humble with the people who've earned this from me. 

We aren't used to having the title of the 'largest mass shooting in American history" quite yet either. I will tell you this though, we can handle it. The NRA has no idea who they have fighting them for more gun control now! I, like others in my shoes in this GLBTQ community, know what it is like to have to fight for EVERYTHING in this life we live.....even just getting our hair cut. We have won the right to marry who we love. Gun regulations are not going to be as big of a challenge and it won't take as long. There's something else to add to my queer agenda. Don't forget to write that shit down. Spell it right. "I predict a win." 

I don't ever want to see this again in America and I don't care if you are straight or gay; I don't care if you are blue, white, purple, green, religious or not. I will NEVER wish this on you or your family. LOVE ALWAYS WINS IN THE END. #LoveWins Add that to my queer agenda in big block letters, just like that! "LOVE WILL WIN"

Diabetes Saved Me From Myself

Welcome To My Blog!

 

It's Been A While

 

    Let me say thank you for coming to check out my new blog. Some of you may remember the days of Butch Ramblings and wondered what happened to me? My rambling days are over and I've claimed a place as home. The last year and a half have been very strange indeed, but I'm happy to say that I've come to know myself better along the way. It would seem that my journey has very much been one of spiritual learning and soulful healing. I do not feel that I am even remotely the same person that I was even just five short years ago. Let's catch up, shall we?

    First of all, I spent the LAST presidential election cycle in Florida. I'd just finished publishing my first five books and things were very tough. Financially, I sacrificed EVERYTHING in order to spend my time blogging and writing full-time. I went days with nothing to eat sometimes. I spent most of that summer in horrible heat with no power because I couldn't afford to keep it on and my life was a mess, even though I was trying to get my feet. I was truly at a place in life where it felt like the harder I tried to make my own dreams come true, the more sacrifices the universe asked me to make.

    There were nights that I would lay with tears running down my cheeks and wonder if my life would end this way. I would imagine that people would find me, with my dog, just slowing having faded away without a single person even realizing what was going on. Even the person I was dating didn't have a clue because she was so caught up in her own world of money and the problems that go with that, that she had no time to really pay attention to my life. She complained about how she had to live on $40k a year while I was struggling on $500 a month and living in a camper. The irony never did escape me. I eventually had all I could stomach of her and that was that. Suddenly there was no reason to be in Florida anymore. God knows I really dislike that state.

Now I find myself in Texas, the Lone Star state. Perfect state for a loner I guess? Truth is that I came to Texas because my best friend, Amber begged me to come down here. It IS warmer. She told me I wouldn't have to worry about freezing to death ever again. That's right, I said AGAIN.

All in all, my stay here has been pretty good and I've come to really enjoy my life again. If only I wasn't plagued by constant health issues. . . .

Last week I was released after spending nearly an entire week in the hospital. I had an abscess that came up almost over night. In two days time it had grown to the size of 4 inches wide, 5 inches long and was raised up almost an inch. I went to the ER because I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and nauseated and in a great deal of pain. Hannah, my beagle, was up my butt because she knew I was ill and she always gets clingy and alerts to my high blood sugar.

Prior to the hospital visit, I'd been going to the gym 4-5 days per week, lifting weights and had lost over 50 pounds since February of this year. Since my hospital stay, I haven't really been to the gym at all because I have an open hole in the back of my head with a gauze wick sticking out of it and wrapped out of sight. I am fearful of sweating a lot and having it show or the wick falling out, because it already has done that once.

I am now a completely insulin dependent diabetic and my pancreas is a dead organ. It is a strange looking organ, connected to my small intestines and it is now a free loader. It's a no good, do nothing, son of a bitch. I poke my finger before every meal now and before bed because of that lazy little fucker.

I should probably apologize to my pancreas, truth be told. I was a bad kid. I ate a lot of chocolate bars and drank too many cans of Pepsi back in those days. I never touch that stuff anymore, but it doesn't matter. My pancreas held it all against me. All of those years of being a bad younger person is now punishing me as an adult, middle-aged woman. Parents, please teach your children good eating habits and don't let them exist on crap. Don't let them sit around and do nothing either. Kids need to eat right because those habits will follow them into adulthood and they stand a much better chance of remaining healthy, rather than becoming diabetic in their adult lives.

Since my hospital stay, I've lost another 3 pounds and I imagine that has been from watching my diet closely and taking insulin, which is resetting my body chemistry. I am hungry less and I am rarely thirsty. I also never get up in the middle of the night to pee anymore. Let me tell you a few hints about your body.....if you pee in the middle of the night or urinate frequently all day long, your body is trying to tell you something. It's a symptom. Guys, if you can't get an erection, you shouldn't be concerned about little blue pills, you should be worried about the circulation issues that are the root problem, which ultimately will be the cause of your heart attack.

Statistics prove that your odds of surviving a heart attack are very low, even in today's world of high tech toys, gadgets and surgeries. Why is that? Because you must have PROMPT treatment and attention. The heart muscle dies very quickly and if you aren't treated within minutes, you're going to die. The odds of coming back 100% from a massive heart attack (cardiac event) is actually quite small and there is even a chance that if they use paddles on you and bring you back, you could be a vegetable. Have I motivated you to do something NOW rather than later? I hope so.

Am I angry about my diagnosis? Yes. Deeply. I am angry with myself for being in denial for the first few years of being diagnosed. I'm angry with myself for not trying harder or earning enough money to take care of myself better. I'm angry at the system that told me that they couldn't help me with treatment until I became full blown. I'm slightly resentful, yet thankful and humbled, for all of the help I'm getting now, even though it feels a little like being back handed before being handed your meds.

Now, let me tell you the honest truth about how I feel right NOW, TODAY. I'm thankful. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful for being diagnosed with diabetes. That's right. I said I am THANKFUL for getting diabetes. You are probably wondering how in the hell I can be thankful for something so life changing and so difficult to manage, right?

This disease makes me pay attention to things I never paid attention to before. I pay attention to the people who are good and kind in my life. I pay attention to how my body feels now and I'm not afraid to love myself or show myself the same compassion that I give to others. In fact, it's only through the suffering and the hard times that I've had in this life that I have the ability to be kind and compassionate to others who face their own challenges and horrible set backs in this life.

Through my challenges, I'm approached by others who reach out and tell me that I've inspired them, helped them through their challenges by writing about my own, and somehow managed to give them perspective and a direction in which to turn. I'm always amazed when someone tells me this. A wonderful person approached me this evening and helped me financially with a chunk of money and thanks to her, I can get gas for the week in my truck and I can eat and even pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. She told me that she had found my writing a long time ago, read all of my books and that I had helped her leave an abusive relationship. I, of course, didn't realize that I had helped her like this. It's just an example of how we all can touch each other in a positive way.

I'm humbled and amazed by this life and I do not think I'd be paying such attention if I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes. I'm not sure if I would treasure the hugs I get from little Aubrey when I go visit Amber. I'm not sure if I'd enjoy the smell of the air quite as much after a good, hard rain. I delight in the little things and I don't complain very often about the pain in my feet or the times when I feel like life uses me as a door mat. I'm human. Trust me when I say that I get down and I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have family that I'm close to or people who were there to come see me in the hospital. This last stay was 4 days. Just like the one in Ft Myers, FL and neither time did I receive so much as a phone call from anyone. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. Then something amazing happens. I get a call from James, who I only know from Facebook, and he leaves me the most beautiful message that left me smiling and teary-eyed. I get a message from Jodie, concerned about me and my dog and that they are sending money to help. I get a message from Heather, who tells me about the inspiration that I've been to her and that I saved her life without even knowing it. My friend Jackie checks in on me constantly and Monica in Montana constantly touches base to make sure that I'm still alive and putting up the fight I've become known for.

Someone I know as a Wolf reaches out to me several times per week and gives me inspiration in his own life challenges now. I've come to understand, as I believe he does, that pain is just another exquisite way to experience life and when you embrace it for what it is, it isn't so bad.  Pain, just like life, is a mental challenge. When you learn to roll with it and stop fighting it, it doesn't hurt quite so bad.

There you have it. I'm grateful for the diabetes that has prompted me to lose weight, get in shape, enjoy my life more and value the people in my life. I may not get everything that I want and I may not always have people next to my bedside but I do believe that I have people with me at all times. My angels watch over me and I have a great deal to be thankful for. I don't want anyone to ever feel sorry for me. There are things in my life that aren't perfect and I take my share of responsibility for those things. There are also a lot of things in my life that are amazing, including a lot of people. For that....I cannot be more thankful.

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